the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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