I'm jealous of your bromance
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
