mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
