i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
