Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
