Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
