Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
me + whiskey = a bad person
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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