this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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