Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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