Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
