I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
