By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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