Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
