someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
