I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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