you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
