In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
