I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
