next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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