Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
