Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
bring money and cleavage
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
