I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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