I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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