so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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