The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
