I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
