You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize