You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
