We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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