There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize