I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
