i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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