The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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