you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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