If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What drink are we having for lunch?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
