Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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