If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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