He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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