the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
