last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Someone came in the potted fern
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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