i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
