I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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