Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
