my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
