The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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