If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
