I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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