i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
