Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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