What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize