We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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