My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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