i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
