I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You made out with two different species that night
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
