I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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