Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
