i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
