Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
